Saturday, September 24, 2016

Something Natural in Separation into Three



“‘That there was something natural, if not also divine,’ remarks Professor Pollard, ‘in the separation of mankind into three classes seemed as clear to mediaeval philosophers as it did to nineteenth-century railway companies’ (and does—he might have added—to some university examining boards).  The idea, he reminds us, is as old as Plato; and no doubt it is much older.  But we need not investigate the mysterious attraction which the number ‘three’ has always had for the human mind, nor attempt to trace the course of the idea in the Christina Fathers and in the mediaeval philosophers.  The immediate point is precisely the feeling of the naturalness or even divinity of the threefold division of society—a division in no respect thought to be a result of royal will” (Chrimes, English Constitutional Ideas in the Fifteenth Century, 94, in his discussion of the three estates).

And did you further know that people are more likely laugh at and remember things when they come in threes?  The Romans had a phrase for it: omne trium perfectum (every triad is perfect).  Indeed, it seems that we are also more likely to believe things or consider them to be significant when they come in threes.  Advertisers, of course, have made hay with this principle; but so have very good storytellers indeed.  One cannot sit on a two-legged stool; a three-legged stool satisfies not only the (deplorably duplex) feet, but the mind as well.

That hyperlink is not an endorsement of the website or the ideas contained therein, by the way.  Being a Christian, and one moderately sympathetic to Platonism, I have my own suspicions about the importance of the number three.  For the moment, I will simply say that, not merely in the notoriously fertile and unreliable imagination, but even in the world of Euclidean arithmetic and geometry, there seems to be something qualitatively different about the number three.  One is not really a number, and two is questionably so; three is the first truly number-like number.  Two is a company; three is a crowd! (so went the old Shoppers Food Warehouse slogan, which promised to open a new register once the lines got too long).  But “crowds” by this definition are comparatively lovely things.  One is the number of solitude, and two is the mirroring number: the devil’s number, according to certain mediaeval and Renaissance thinkers, though (and, but of course?) also the number of romance.  But “Baby makes three”; or, as it is expressed in that immemorial sacred trifold rhyme dating no doubt back to the caveman, “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage.”


And card games, naturally, involve sets of three as well.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Five Seconds Too Long



Scientists have supposedly debunked the five second rule.  In other news, someone actually shelled out money so that people could Drop Food on the Floor and See What Happens.  Not only that: it isn’t even the first time they’ve tried to figure this out: “Schaffner’s research isnt the first to conclude that the favorite excuse for why that yummy snack that fell on the ground is still OK to eat is wrong” (first link).  But not to worry; the topic is hardly over-researched because “there have only been three studies conducted on the theory that has not been [sic?] published in scientific journals” (third link).  Only three, mon frère!

What I want to know is why I can’t get that research job.  Writing, editing, paleography, Shakespeare?  Pooh.  I want to be able to drop food on the floor and call it research.  I bet I could even bring Baby to work with me as well; babies know how to drop food on the floor.  It’s one of their favorite games, in fact, especially if the adults around them keep picking said food up.  (Also, I clearly should have gone to Rutgers: they have all zhe money.)

So now there are headlines saying that we shouldn’t eat that fallen food.  Google study five second rule and look under “news”; or just take this terrifying quote, from the second article: “[W]e should mention there are 31 known pathogens responsible for an estimated 9 million cases of food-borne illness a year, according to the Centers for the Disease Control and Prevention.”  Thirty-one known pathogens!!  Nine million cases of food-borne illness!!!!  Bunter, my fainting couch!!!!!!


But now I’m confused, because I remember those other theories that kids who eat dirt and stuff have fewer allergies.  And then there’s personal experience.  I taught college for two years …

Sans flu shots, no less—please don’t hurt me, internet.
My Tdap is still swollen from a week ago.

without getting so much as a sniffle, an experience which I can only attribute to the fact that there are certain pieces of sanitary advice which I have always tended to ignore.  Mind you, that “always” is probably important: I’m not recommending that someone who has never eaten fallen food start now.  Nor am I saying you should let your two-year-old pick up that string bean from the “spotless” (or not-so-spotless) tile floor of your kitchen.  (Hey, lawyer’s daughters have their disclaimers.)  I’m just saying that I’m not scared of a few bacteria.  And I have centipedes in my kitchen.  Possibly millipedes—I haven’t taken the trouble to count.  But if Rutgers will give me money and a microscope to play with, I will turn out a highly-researched, jauntily-phrased, and beauuuutifully-edited academic paper on the topic from my kitchen.  Which I traverse on a regular basis, barefoot and pregnant.

I double, double dare you to eat that watermelon.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

It Isn't Lent, but ...

... but you really have to listen to a recording of Joseph Hadyn’s The Seven Last Words of Christ.

You didn’t know Papa Haydn wrote serious stuff, did you?  Except maybe for his Creation (which is still perhaps a bit too “pretty” to be altogether serious—angels singing lines like “With verdure clad the fields appear”? I ask you!), and maybe his Nelson Mass.  Well, The Seven Last Words of Christ is different.

Haydn wrote several versions of the piece, the first being an orchestral work commissioned for a 1783 Good Friday service.  In 1787 Haydn produced a version for string quartet; finally, almost twenty years later in 1789, he turned out an oratorio.  It’s the oratorio that you’ll find below, in a version conducted by Harnoncourt (all apologies for the ads).




Monday, September 19, 2016

Be Very, Very Afraid


People keep telling us that once the baby comes, our lives will change forever.  For.Ev.Er.  And not in a good way, like when the chorus of sopranos in Handel’s Messiah sings, “Forever and ever, forever and ever!  Glo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ry!!”, if you know the part of which I’m thinking.  No, when people warn us that Baby will change our lives forever, they mean “change forever” like it’s boot camp with a catch-twenty-two stipulation in place.  I paraphrase a few real-life remarks received in recent months:

“You just have no idea until it actually happens.  I mean, you have NO IDEA.”

“It’s … I wish I could tell you it’s great.   I mean, it IS great.  But it’s a lot of work.”

“Hahahaha … Um.  Yeah.  You won’t be sleeping very much.”

“There’s just … so much to do.  But you’ll be … fine.  Fine.  You’ll be fine; I’m sure you’ll be just fine.”

“I can’t even—I don’t even know what to compare it to.  There isn’t anything to compare it to, so I’m not going to try.”

“Well, maybe you’ll get a child who doesn’t [insert hair-raising but relatively normal thing that most infants do do] like ours does.”

They’re all trying to be upbeat and encouraging, but somehow it doesn’t come off that way.  And I hasten to add, these are not secular people who plan on having zero to two kids, possibly laboring under the illusion that the planet is about to bust with people.  These are faithful Catholics in their twenties and thirties who are open to life.  They may (I don’t know) be spacing out kids with NFP to avoid Irish twin situations; but they’re quite happy and maybe even excited by the prospect of having five, eight, ten children down the road.  And yet what they convey is not joy, but fear.

Not the flower, dearest.  Dearest, he will certainly eat the flower.  Dearest!!!! ...

One further thing stands out: they are all young parents.  Most of them have somewhere between one and three children; rarely is the oldest more than five.  If we ran into more parents with older families, would they have anything different to say?  And if they did, would it be because (a) the most bitter early parenting memories fade, (b) their older children actually help with new babies, (c) they develop better coping strategies, (d) they perfect the fine art of equivocation and want to ensure the future of the human race, or (e) all of the above?

I don’t know that I actually wish people didn’t warn us about the difficulties of raising small children; after all, forewarned is forearmed.  And the warnings certainly incentivize sleeping (or trying to sleep) and exercising (or trying to exercise) and writing (or trying to write) and eating (or trying to eat), and generally just Keeping Calm and Carrying On, right up until the baby comes—which are all good things to encourage soon-to-be-parents to do.  But it might be helpful, while sounding the ominous notes of “Be Prepared!” to offer some concrete advice for taking care of little Simba when he arrives.

Not THAT kind of taking care of!  Good heavens, people.

In that spirit, I’ve decided to start cycling through a list of questions the next time someone starts into Your-Life-Will-Change mode.  If they’re going to tell me how it is, I certainly want to know …

Have you found that baby carriers/swaddles actually help keep the baby quieter, or are reports of their usefulness (like those of Mark Twain’s death) exaggerated?

(Women only:) Did you breastfeed, and do you have any tips to make that less of a hassle?

If you have a choice, do you think it’s better to let the baby sleep in your room, or in another room?

If the baby sleeps during the day, do you recommend using that time to catch up on sleep yourself, or do you read, or do you try to “catch up” (haha) on other things?

What’s the most helpful piece of baby gear/clothing/equipment you’ve used?  What’s the most useless?

(Women only:) Do you have any tips on recovering from childbirth, or any strategies that alleviated the misery during labor?

Hm.  Sounds like this is all very stressful.  What’s the best way you and your husband (wife) have found for coping with the stress?

Are there any things that you can still do to relax, with or without the children?  (E.g., are there parks, playgrounds, museums, nature walks, restaurants, etc. that you would frequent with a child/children?  Or, if you’re stuck at home with the kids all day because there’s a meltdown every time you get in the car, have you found anything that keeps them occupied and maybe even tires them out?)

I’m sure I’ll hear a lot of conflicting advice, and some of it may be completely off-base.  But at least it will be concrete leave-it-or-take-it-or-maybe-just-try-it-once-because-once-can’t-hurt advice, as opposed to …