Friday, April 1, 2011

The New Imperialism


From: Mork

To: Orson

Re: Speech given by President Obama, March 28th, 2011, concerning the conflict in Libya


What follows is a rough translation of the transcript of the American President's speech to his people. Although the speech was delivered in something that sounded like English, I found it perplexing at the time (despite my long experience among these people) and was forced to resort to a translator who interpreted the Fearless Leader's thoughts with Orkan clarity. I may say that I found his interpretation enlightening, and trust that Your Immenseness may think the same.


Hey there, press. Tonight, I’d like to explain to you how it's OK that we've been drafted into the international effort in Libya—we're behaving ourselves, we plan to continue behaving ourselves, and we won't get in trouble like we did in Iraq.

I've been told my advisers that I've got to admit that our men and women in uniform have once again acted with a courage, professionalism and patriotism that amazes me. They're strong and fast, but our diplomats are stronger and faster and much nicer. They (the troops, I mean) are also really good at multi-tasking: they're in Libya, Japan, Afghanistan, and pretty much anywhere the bad guys are—except Iraq, of course. We love ya, guys!

In my father's dreams, the United States of America was the world's backyard bully. Mindful of his prejudices and those of my base, I am reluctant to send troops anywhere, ever. But when my reelection is at stake, I can't afford to stand even by my own principles. That is why we're in Libya today.

The Libyan people's ruler, Moammar Gaddafi, restricted his people's freedom to eat, redistributed their wealth through taxation, devalued the sanctity of their lives, and encouraged his people to report dissident activities to the government. Bad stuff. Tyranny, you might even call it. Recently, it looked like he might be stripped of his power. In cities and towns across the country, citizens took to the streets to claim their rights. Faced with this opposition, Gaddafi began attacking his people. Figuring on preventing a public relations catastrophe, I told our people over there to retreat swiftly while carrying a big stick. We stopped loaning money and selling arms to Gaddafi, and I told him to "nice-up".

Well, Gaddafi wadn't listening. He kept shooting defenseless people—including journalists! So I sent in our homeboys; and Europe sort of promised they'd think about doing the same. In fact, they passed an historic resolution about it. (When you've got as much history as Europe, everything you do is historic. Unless you're Winston Churchill.)

We kept up this historicity for a while, but it didn't change anything. Gaddafi wouldn't even say he'd be nice, let alone actually stop attacking his folks. In fact, he was getting ready to go into Benghazi city and inflict door to door punishment on the "rats".

Well, I just couldn't take that kind of mean talk. Rats are people too. Congress and I agreed to start shooting at Gaddafi’s troops. Surprisingly, when we started shooting, they stopped advancing. Of course, we didn't achieve this victory all on our lonesome! We had lots of comrades in Europe and the Middle East who said they had our back. Just in case, you know. It's amazing how much we've done—in how little time—and how good it feels! And we didn't even have to fight that hard!

Now in case that word "fight" got you all w—I mean worried up, I should tell you all that we're leaving NATO in charge. NATO is take care of the Libyan people.


Well, no, we're done yet. We'll have to stick around in case NATO messes things up. And we'll help redistribute Libya's wealth, just like we're doing here at home.

I'm also going to sic Secretary Clinton on Gaddafi's reps. That'll teach them to question me. Secretary Clinton's got a grip of iron, and she doesn't know the meaning of the word "bow".

Now I know that some of you are still worried about Libya. Yeah, it's kind of tough there, and it's hurting; but we'll make it better, 'K? I also hear some of you are trying to make out that I've been inconsistent in playing the cop with Libya. But you've gotta trust my judgment. It was ugly down there! I felt their pain, and I gave them a pill.

Besides, if we hadn't flexed our muscles some of those other countries in the East might have kept thumbing their noses at us. So it's a good thing we did what we've done. But don't get the idea that I'm going to pull a Rumsfield and go all surgey on you. I can't afford the sort of press Bush got for his decisions in Iraq. We'll just keep telling the Libyans to hope for a change of power.

Now, isn't this a better attitude towards foreign policy than the old Bush White House had? I'll keep going after the really bad guys, 'specially if the UN asks me to. But the UN better do its share of the work, ya hear?

And you know what? Because we've been so nice lately, they like us in Libya! They actually said nice things to one of our men who parachuted down there! Imagine that!! Someone said thank you!!!

Of course, not everyone knows how to say thank you. Egypt might, but Iran is still being a spoil-sport. We can't make Iran (or anyone else, for that matter) shape up. Only Iran can shape up Iran. But we're sure good at talking about change, freedom, youth, and other beautiful things. That's what makes us great: we do really well at talking about beautiful things. It inspires people. Occasionally, it even gets them elected.

Folks, its a scary world, especially when there's fighting over there—when the news is filled with conflict and change (bad change, you know; not my kind of change). Don't lose that hope I told you about. Remember, when you wish upon a star, makes no difference where you are. Could be here, could be Libya. We'll always have the stars. And the redistribution of wealth, and the Let's Move Campaign. *Agh, I hate that part. No, no—don't tell Michelle.*

That's all, folks!

End translation.