The Problem with Perry

There are a number of "problems" with Rick Perry. He's Texan. He's friendly to creationists. He ordered mandatory HPV vaccinations for teenage girls. He fights a dirty campaign. Some of these probably will be problems if he gets nominated, and some of them probably should be. (As is typical in politics, the ones that should be problematic probably won't, and the ones that shouldn't be probably will.)

But these are other people's problems with Rick Perry. I have a real problem with him. He looks like Barbie's friend Ken.

No, seriously. Check it out:


The man is handsome in an over-jawed sort of way. Do we really want another movie star running the country? They told me politics was Hollywood for ugly people. No more, it seems.

We made fun of the Russians who pretended that Putin was nice-looking.


OK, so the Russians are still good at lying. But Europe in general seems to be a lot less obsessed with good looks than we do. Germany:

Italy:

England:

France:

So on behalf of average-looking folk everywhere, I ask: Why can't America elect an ugly man as president? We've done it before.


Think of how the national self-esteem would rise! Ugly children everywhere would hear it from their parents and teachers: "Someday, Milton, Hazel, you too could be . . ."

Or, if we can't elect an ugly man, then (after all these joggers and basketball players) how about a fat man? I hear one of the reasons Chris Christie isn't running this time round may be that he plans on losing weight.

"Broccoli, they said. Broccoli."

Really? Really? Since when did being fat

"It's all in the suit, my dear Christie."

make anyone unpresidential?

But my favorite candidate would be a short man. Not 5'6" short—I mean really short. 5'2" max. I'd write the campaign song for guy. ("Five foot two / Vote for you / And see what those five feet can do!")

This is in my dreams. I once wrote a novel about an ugly guy who got respect. (He also got the girl—though for that, he had to be a gentleman. Take note, Phantom fans!) But of course, I was writing fantasy. I know the way my fellow citizens feel about skinny, flabby, pudgy, wrinkly, saggy, droopy, puffy, grey-haired candidates. So while we're looking for the next Mr. America, what about

OK, Mrs. America would be passable too.

If good-looking is what's required . . .

I know, I know; we need someone who's electable now! They call this a deep bench.

Realpolitik, America 2011.

Just remember, my friends, they will all be older, uglier and less principled in 2020, or 2016.