Wednesday, June 15, 2016

A Few News Stories I Would Like to See

Since I expressed a lack of interest in the predominant news of the current cycle in my last, I thought it might be a public service to mention a few news stories which I would actually enjoy reading.  (And no, if the Onion or the Toast or any such interesting website named after an item normally ingested before being digested is the source, it doesn’t actually count.  One must draw a line somewhere.)

Libertarian Party Nominates Socially Conservative Candidate
Paul Ryan explains that, following GOP collapse, boyhood fascination with Ayn Rand made party a “logical choice” for him, and him a “logical choice” for party.

Beloved Dentist Eaten by Black Bear; Appalachia Mourns
“Who will brush Bessie’s teeth now?” asked Mae Lou Ellis Stevens.

France Offers Asylum to Fifteen Christian Homeschooling Families after Expulsion from Germany
England has agreed to take in comparable groups from Sweden, Denmark, citing excellent record with WWII refugees.

Listeria Epidemic Linked to Organic Food Market in San Jose
Monsanto donates 1.6 million kg of tomatoes to replace damaged goods.

More Tractors Are Being Made, Bought, Used in U.S.
Fathers everywhere happy.  Also teenage boys, wives, and mothers.

Japan Erects Statue Honoring Francis Xavier
Reparations expected to descendants of the Christian missionaries and converts executed by Japanese government.

Vladimir Putin Eaten by Black Bear; Russian Orthodox Sings Hymns
Since we don’t know Russian, and all Russian music is sad, we don’t know how they really feel.

Summer Expected to be Cool, Moderately Dry in D.C.
Lawyers call climate changes “bad for business.”

California’s Crops Lovin’ the Rain
Mudslides demolish two-thirds of Hollywood Hills; iconic sign destroyed.

Ayatollah Khomeini Eaten by Black Bear; Iranians Wave Flags
Since we don’t know Farsi, we don’t actually know what’s written on the flags either.

ISIS Eaten by Army of Black Bears
Special “Black Ops Down Under” Mission was best-guarded secret of U.S.-Australian alliance.

Sheryl Sandberg to Retire and Care for Children; Will Be Replaced by Black Bear Named Bo
Bo swears he’s not carnivorous; has stayed away from children ever since that unfortunate incident with vegetarian Goldie Lochs (“Was she Scotch or Jewish?  I don’t even know …”); regular attendant of AA meetings since 1994.

That’s All, Folks!

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