Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Open Letters to the Insurance Salesman

I know not what it is about moving and changes in one’s state in life, but they always seem to trigger additional calls from salesmen hoping to provide me with things that I already have—usually, with some form of insurance.  By whatever curious breach of privacy (I suspect some doctor’s office is the innocent culprit in this case) I have become the target of a particularly persistent and obnoxious specimen, who by the current count has called my twice and texted me three times (good heavens man, do you not know this costs some people money?) within the past thirty-six hours or so.

Given the particularly sleazy nature of his tactics, I have been resisting the temptation all morning to reply.  Here, for the record, are his missives to date:

First text: [My first name], Youve caught me off hours.  My hours are M-F 9AM-7PM EST.  Is there a good time during those hours I can schedule a call for you?  [Received 6:06 a.m.]

Reader, I have no clue who this person is, and emphatically did NOT get in touch with him prior to receiving the above text.  Oh, also—6:06 a.m.?  Dude: that IS off hours.  I was asleep (or trying to be).  It’s a good thing that I turn the phone off, or you probably would have gotten an earful.

Second text: Good morning [my first name], I just tried calling you to follow up about your inquiry for your free health ins quote.  Can you call me now to get your results?  [Received 9:41 a.m.]

For the record, I was still asleep at this point.  (What?  The night before last was a rough one.)  Also, I had and have submitted no such inquiry.  Moving right along …

Third text: [My first name], you didn’t answer when I called earlier, is there a better time to call you?  [Received 11:19 a.m.]

The unmitigated gall.  It’s probably a terrible idea to respond.  But the real reason I’m not replying is that there are so many irresistible ways to do so that I can’t decide which one would be best.

The grammarian: As of last Friday, I have determined to no longer associate or do business with those who use incorrect capitalization, lazy abbreviations, and comma splices in their text messages.  Only the Queen’s best English for me!  Better luck with your next victim.

The Miss Manners: Dear sir: As we have not been introduced, do you not think it would be better to address me as Mrs. [surname]?  Sincerely yours, a Well-Wisher.

The lawyer’s daughter:  Since your first communication, I have been in contact with my attorney.  He informs me that you are in violation of statutory law, Florida code §1027(b)(4)(C), and 30 U.S.C. §401(c)(1)(D)(xiii) (2012).  I recommend consulting your own legal advice, as we are preparing to file harassment charges in state and federal court.  Try 1-(800)-773-0888, or visit

The biblical one-liner: What doth it profit a man to gain the whole world, but to lose his soul?

The frank and heartfelt scolding: This is possibly one of the most disgusting attempts to get me to buy something that I don’t need that I have encountered in my life.  Who do you think I am, some poor befuddled Floridian grandmother with early onset Alzheimer’s?  Is that the sort of person you prey on, in order to make your living?  Because they might actually think they HAD called you, and become confused, and call you back?  Bloodsucking jerkface.

The phishing-back-at-yah response: Dear Hubert, I do apologize for missing your call!  Could we perhaps try again at a quarter past three?  My phone refuses to ring except when the atmospheric conditions and the prevailing winds permit (cf. The World of Pooh).  Also, NASA’s recent realignment of the zodiac has presented some difficulties in communication since my formerly BFF device was cursed during my visit to New Orleans, and I discovered that we were created under incompatible signs.  It is turning against me.  Have you tried the insurance market in New Orleans?  I’m sure it is booming in the wake of the recent hurricanes.  You will need to use the following code to get through to me: After the tone, refer to Thomas Starkey’s Dialogue between Pole and Lupset (1989 edition only!!!), page 42, first word of the first line, using a 5x5 grid alphabet substitution method.  Read your message slowly and distinctly one letter at a time.  Only then will Siri preserve your important message.  I look forward to hearing from you as soon as possible!!!!  Dosvidanya, and gospodarstvo do movve.

Happy Windsday, mon frères.

Update, Thursday:

Fourth text: Good morning, Sophia, I couldn't get a hold of you yesterday?  Can you call now so I can explain your health insurance quote options?  [Received 9:05 a.m.]

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