I Love You, And ... VII

When a child grows up hearing I love you BUT he or she learns tacitly that unpleasant things are opposed to love.  The parent loves him, but the love is constrained, or conditioned, by good behavior.  The parent may even love him very much—but there’s a limit to that love.

Of course, this is never the parent’s intention.  But that’s the message that comes through if the parent—whether empathetic or authoritarian—habitually contrasts love and discipline.

In contrast, the child who grows up hearing I love you AND learns that unpleasant things can sometimes (not always—cf. abuse) be signs of love.

“I love you, and because I love you I want you to grow strong and not get sick.  Broccoli helps you do that, and that’s why I gave you broccoli.”

“I love you, and so I don’t want you to get hurt.  That’s why I took the toaster away—because you could hurt yourself on it.”

“I love you, and so I put your pants on,* because pants are good for you—they keep you warm, and they make sure we don’t get in trouble with strangers.”

“I love you, and so we are going to [fill in the blank] right now, because it helps us [fill in the blank].”

“I love you, and that’s why I am not letting you scream in the family room, because if you learn to do that, it teaches you to be inconsiderate to others, and that will serve you very poorly later in life.”

A lot of the tough parenting calls actually come down to that last idea.  But really—teaching your children to be considerate to others—yes, that certainly includes their parents!—is one of the most loving things a parents can do, if we want them to grow up to be happy adults with good relationships.

And if many parents today have a hard time with this—maybe that’s because their own parents didn’t quite get it.  Maybe the parents of these modern parents were empathetically permissive, or harshly authoritarian, and taught today’s parents, in one way or another, that love and hard stuff are opposites.

Regardless, that’s one lie that we shouldn’t let stand in our own parenting.  Love and hard stuff have to be integrated, if human beings are to have a chance of dying to self, or living happily ever after, or achieving the happiness they pursue, or … whatever your phrase of the day is, n’est-ce pas?

* The canny reader will discern another True Story.